Ride In 9/10: Beethoven's Symphony 3.5 "Esoterica"

To The Editor:

I'm an avid runner.

But, after this morning's commute, I think it's time to license joggers. They jaywalk and run in bike lanes and they nearly run into me every day. Furthermore, roads were built for cars and bikes and sidewalks were built for walking, as the name implies.They are not called sideruns.Who do short-shorts-wearing, Usain Bolt-wannabees think they are? Usain Bolt?

Also, joggers should stick to paths and trails. That's why we have them. My tax dollars are being wasted. Joggers don't pay taxes.

This is Washington, DC, not Kenya.

I've never seen a police officer ticket a jogger, but speed cameras.

When I jog, I only jog on weekends and I always wear a helmet. If other joggers run when and where they shouldn't, it's not a surprise that SUVs can flip over and explode on them. In some ways, they were asking for it.

You know who else runs? Criminals, fleeing the scene of a crime. How am I supposed to tell if someone is "jogging" for fun or if they have just robbed a liquor store and are on drugs and are making my neighborhood unsafe?

Once time I was walking and was jogger weaving between people and this startled me. No one should ever be startled about anything, except at surprise parties and even then, you shouldn't yell "surprise" too loudly. Startling someone is basically the same as hitting them with a baseball bat.

Organized jogging, also known as road races, block city streets and make it impossible for other people to get around. Once I was late for brunch and I demand that all joggers be held accountable. My friends ate all of the toast and the waiters didn't bring more. These so called "waiters" aren't even the real waiter, because I was the one waiting because the road was blocked from the race.

In conclusion, traffic is bad enough already. Adding joggers to the mix of cars, trucks, SUVs, vans, buses, compact cars, ZipCars, Car2go, rickshaws, mopeds and cars will only serve to make traffic worse.




I left for work a little earlier than usual and took the Brompton. I wore work clothes because I thought it was cool enough for that and while it was cool, I still ended up something of a sweaty mess. I try so hard to be cycle chic, but I always end up cycle gross. Why can't the stylistas leave their imprimatur on looking unkempt and unwashed, like they did in the early 90s? You could even sew back pockets onto a plaid flannel shirt.

At the intersection of East Capitol and Massachusetts, I saw a 2 x 4 in the middle of the street. There's been a lot of houses sold in the neighborhood recently and I didn't know that "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan had purchased one. Mr. Duggan, I believe you dropped something. Wrestler gentrification is a huge people in DC. Where there were corner stores, now there are just turnbuckles. Entrance music plays all through the night and wakes up our elderly neighbors. There's all these new Junkyard Dog parks. The price of folding chairs (with which to blindside your opponent) has skyrocketed. It seems like every week a new chest waxing business is applying for a license. It's really gotten out of control.

I rode Madison Drive down the Mall, past the museums, on a road almost entirely devoid of car traffic. But almost all of the parallel parking spots were full. If it were up to me (it's not), I'd limit access to these roads to tour buses. Accordingly, you could then narrow the roads, or maybe even turn parts of them into cycle tracks. This is part of my ongoing campaign against drive-by tourism, which I find to be both distressing and sad. I've done my fair share of drive-by tourism and sometimes all you want to do is just look at nice buildings, but I'm not sure it's a socially responsible thing.

If you're reading this, you're an excellent, most likely attractive person and you're the kind of person who 1) like bikey stuff and 2) more than likely lives in DC-ish. That's why it's incumbent upon me to remind you about the upcoming DC State Fair and its Bike Accessory Contest. (Full press release at the bottom of the page). Now according to the Bike Accessory contest (sponsored by TFTS favorite bike shop, BicycleSpace) rules the entries "may be made out of any medium (wool, metal, Pixie Sticks, whatever you'd like!) in whatever crafty way you wish (knitting, macrame, duct taping, what-have-you). Any accessory made by any DC resident for any bicycle is eligible for this contest." Any material for any bicycle! So, if for example, someone wanted to build a toy poodle holder for a the front of a Brompton (and there's a market for a device this practical), you could totally do that! And you should! Or maybe you want to needlepoint "Don't shoal me, bro" onto something you hang from your seat rail? You could! Or maybe you want to make a mud flap for your rear fender out of old copies of Car & Driver because you like irony and whatnot? That's an idea! Basically, what I'm trying to say is that this contest is great and if you want to participate and need help coming up with something to do, let me know! Remember, Entries must be dropped off 11-11:30am at the DC State Fair on 9/22. The entrant can designate a representative to drop them off or contact nicole@dcstatefair.org to try to arrange prior drop off. In conclusions, do this.

I met the Official Wife on 23rd Street and walked with her for a few blocks to the Metro. I then rode down to 24th street, made a left onto Pennsylvania Avenue, which I took to M through Georgetown. Then I faced the substantially unfun virgin ride up Wisconsin Avenue on the Brompton. Just because you can do it, doesn't always mean you should. This is sort of where I am with riding up hills on the Brompton. I'm not a glutton for punishment (I'm a glutton for mutton. I should put that on a shirt) and this was certainly more taxing than I would have preferred. And it was made worse by a broken down truck which blocked a travel lane. I bailed to the sidewalk, but that slowed me down because I don't like riding very fast on sidewalks. I resumed riding on the street by Reservoir Road and stuck with it until Massachusetts, where I turned left and then road down the hill and up the hill and got to work, a half hour earlier than usual. Hooray? I guess. Means I can leave early at least.


For Immediate Release
Third Time’s A Charm: DC State Fair’s Third Annual Event
Washington, DC – The DC State Fair organizers are thrilled to announce the third annual Fair will be
held on Saturday, September 22, at the Barracks Row Fall Festival (8th Street SE below Pennsylvania
Avenue, close to Eastern Market Metro). The public is welcome. Participants are invited to enter any
of the Fair’s more than 20 contests, hear announcements of contest winners, take part in educational
demonstrations on food and craft making, and meet fellow community members. Anyone is welcome
to attend; contest registrants must be DC residents.
The DC State Fair, which serves as a culinary, artistic, and agricultural showcase of Washington, is
completely home grown. Until three years ago, DC had no county or state fair where residents could
show off their talents in baking, canning, urban agriculture, poetry, and photography. In 2010, local
food and garden bloggers decided that was a shame and started DC State Fair, which features contests
such as Tastiest Tomato, Funkiest-Looking Vegetable, Best Homemade Pie, a DC neighborhood
photography contest, and Best Homemade Jam, to name a few. For the first time ever, DC State Fair
has added Sewing, Knit & Crochet, Honey, Heaviest Fruit, Fermented Vegetable, and Kids’ Art and
Poetry Contests to the 2012 Fair so more of DC’s residents can showcase their talents. DC residents
can submit their entries for a chance to win everlasting glory (and prizes!).
The state or county fair concept is largely focused around community: Fairs provides a forum for
neighbors to engage one another, to share knowledge and experience, and to spotlight and reward the
hard work of cooking, crafting, and farming. DC State Fair strives to achieve these same goals within
the District and to help build a multicultural community focused around urban agriculture, education,
and art.
In order to pull this off, DC State Fair offers local, mission-aligned businesses and organizations
sponsorship options that include benefits such as logos on the Fair’s website, a vendor table with the
Fair, or even emceeing a contest. The Fair also has wonderful community support from individuals
who help run the contests and volunteer for the day of the Fair.
Beyond the vegetable, cooking, and art competitions and educational demonstrations run by DC State
Fair, Barracks Row Fall Festival itself will feature stages with musical acts and other entertainment,
a petting zoo, the Military Chef’s Cook-Off, and many other activities and groups focused on the
Barracks Row neighborhood.
DC State Fair’s has succeeded in turning this event into an annual tradition that aims to foster
community spirit and celebrate DC’s talented residents. Be sure to check out the contests, submit your
entries, and swing by the Fair to experience the fun!
About DC State Fair
DC State Fair’s mission is to celebrate the home-grown talents of the District. DC State Fair is an 501(c)(3) charitable
nonprofit organization. Its annual event showcases the culinary, artistic, and agricultural talents of DC residents through
competition. The Fair also coordinates educational demonstrations and supplemental events to encourage residents
to expand their skills, knowledge, and abilities to be able to compete in future Fairs. Visit DC State Fair online at
For more information about DC State Fair or for media interviews, please contact info@thedcstatefair.org.
For more information about major sponsorships, contest sponsorships, and vendor tables at the Fair, e-mail
To learn more about the Fair or how to volunteer, sign up for the State of the Fair and Volunteer newsletters: http://


  1. The basic Brompton basket is specially engineered for pug portaging, but is perhaps adaptable for a poodle. http://twitter.com/FakeDarrenBuck/status/218049624290766849/photo/1

  2. You, sir, have won the Internets today. You even made my husband, He Who Bike Not, laugh! Well played.

  3. @Megan- Thanks! I'm glad that this blog can sometimes even be amusing to non-bicyclists.