Fantasy Bike Commuter League

I've been away. I've developed new hobbies and I've become swept up in these new hobbies and now I neglect blogging, much as before I neglected my loved ones in the pursuit of not neglecting blogging. Now I neglect both blogging and my loved ones as I pursue my new pursuit, namely aspiring to win my Fantasy Bike Commuter League. After Fantasy Football, Fantasy Baseball, Fantasy Hockey, Fantasy Soccer, Fantasy Basketball, Fantasy Final Fantasy VII, Fantasy Fantasia Barrino, Fantasy Fanta Drinking, Fantasy The Fantasticks, and Fantasy Fantasy Island, Fantasy Bike Commuter League (FBCL) is one of the fastest growing not-in-any-way-growing fake fantasy sports out there. Like other fantasy sports, it is neither fantasy nor sport. But it is engrossing. And because I didn't plan this joke out ahead of time, I don't know whether I'm the "owner" of the fantasy team or whether I'm a participant who has been drafted by one of the fantasy teams or whether I'm both, but irrespective of my lack of knowing where I'm going with this, I can assure you the following things about Fantasy Bike Commuter League:

1. The first rule of Fantasy Bike Commuter League is to not talk about Fight Club. It's likely that people you'll talk to already know about it. The movie has been out for some time now and, really, if anyone has had the inclination to see the film, they would have already done so. 

2. There really are no subsequent rules. I suppose you might want to pick a team that maximizes the number of points you can earn, assuming FBCL even assigns points and doesn't just determine winners and losers by acclimation or by gladiatorial combat. For argument's sake, let's say that it does assign points and as of this writing, I have 4. That's numberwang

3. The lack of subsequent rules will not deter me from suggesting that there should be further rules. Perhaps points should be assigned based on the number of times a week someone rides to work and other points should be assigned based on how far they travel and maybe other points should be assigned if they carry a particularly heavy load or ride in especially arduous conditions. Bonus points for bikeshare? Sure. Points might be taken away if they ride their bike into a duck pond, but man, that'd be hilarious. 

4. FBCL is not about crippling gambling addictions. Those are wholly incidental to one's participation in this league. You can bet on FBCL, but you shouldn't. It's not about money. It's about jocular ribbing, which I believe is a kind of corset a jockey wears. 

5. Fantasy Bike Commuter League is a diversion and a pretense toward procrastination. It only exists so long as you have something better or more important to do with your time. Were this no longer the case, your FBCL team, the game board (there's probably a game board. It's probably a cross between Trouble, Mouse Trap, Hungry, Hungry Hippos and Backgammon) and all the stats would instantly disappear, perhaps in a cloud of white smoke (non habemus fantasy bike commuter league stats), because confronting the reality of one's participation in such an enterprise ought not under any circumstance be done. It will make you irrevocably sad. 

6. If you find yourself in a duck pond do not panic. Nor should you let the hilarity of your situation result in your drowning, perhaps from guffawing and the consequent swallowing of brackish pond water. Mind the mallards. 

7. Use the rules from all other rules-based biking contests to supplement your paltry rules. Take all of the rules from Coffeeneuring, Errandonee-ing, Brewvet-ing, Soda populaire-ing (in which you ride long distances to various old-timey soda fountains...?), Century and Sensibility-ing (I made those last two up, but I'm pretty sure I'd have mad takers for a Jane Austen hundred mile theme ride in Devonshire) and slap them all together with whatever other rules you already have. It'll help beef up your league's bylaws and everyone knows that the mark of a good organization is the beefiness of its bylaws. 

In conclusion, Fantasy Bike Commuter League is a great fun for the whole family. It's a neat way to pointlessly and competitively quantify the physical efforts of strangers and you don't even need to download an app. In ultimate conclusion, sorry for the silliness. It's been too long since I've blogged and while I've been trying to sort through some more serious (serious for a bike blog) ideas, I haven't been able to formulate them in an even passably articulate way. So this is what you get instead. Maybe next month. But for now, my sincerest hopes of wellness to all. Namaste. 

1 comment:

  1. Brian - are you able to attend the next installment of the saga they call New Mexico? I think they need reinforcements of the gallant TFTS sort...

    Advisory Neighborhood Commission 3D – SPECIAL MEETING AGENDA
    Monday, June 24, 2013, 6:30 PM
    Sutton Towers, 3101 New Mexico Avenue, Community Room